So I was out of my funk. It was surprisingly momentous in a way, but on the other hand it was a year in the making.
By this point we had decided to build a house, and I will shorten what could be a looooooooong, like LONG story, and say that that's precisely what we did. We built a house, we learned so much in the process, we travelled, we tried to get pregnant, that took over a year and was another faith in the waiting story, and then we had J.
Oh... to become a mom. Life altering does not begin to describe what it was to have him come in to our lives. Having a kid makes you rethink a bunch of stuff. Not just stuff like if the knives should be further out of reach, but the more existential stuff, the life plans stuff, and boy did that bring back my "want" big time. I wanted to move... I wanted to give this boy that experience. But I kept quiet. I had honestly given this up, and while I knew the want would never go away, I learned to live with it, to keep it hidden in my heart, in my prayers. I would sometimes, very sometimes, talk to J about it while he nursed. That wonderful bundle in that cocooned moment... I talked to him about so much, and sometimes I allowed myself to tell him about the dreams I had of Canada. The dreams of seasons that change, of museums, of parks, of worshipping in English, of starting over, of living in a culture not our own.
We made a good life in a gated neighbourhood in a home we shared with Lucas' parents. We made friends, we went for walks, we played. We were active in church, our close friends were also having kids, we worked, we lived.
We said goodbye to a family that... I don't even know how to describe them. Lucas and Felipe had been friends since they were kids, Dani and I met later, and we were just so incredibly close. Those friends that you simply do life with in spite of all the differences. We planted the Canada seed in them years before, and we saw them apply, saw them prepare, saw them go. Oh, the tears I shed... I don't even try to pretend I wasn't 100% thrilled for them and 100% sad for me. I was a mess.
But not believing in wallowing, I gave myself a couple of funk days and then life moved on.
Days roll in to a year and we settled in to a comfortable pocket. We were doing well, lots of wonderful clients in photography, busy schedule with a wonderful boy, working during nap time, busy weekends.
And then we got pregnant with T. Another good story on my panic about being mom to a girl and a good half hour of hyperventilating later, we decided to go shopping in the USA cause it was dirt cheap back then.
It all happened a bit at once. We had been talking about Lucas going full time in to photography when we had baby #2, and he was let go of the company he worked with the day we found out we were pregnant, which was all amazing happy tears at such a blessing. His severance allowed us to make some much needed updates to the photography gear and go to the USA for all that and kid stuff.
So at 3 months pregnant (still a secret we shared right after coming back) we went to Florida and had a BLAST. If you know me at all you know that Disney World is one of my favourite places and experiencing it with J was a whole new level of awesome.
And then we boarded to plane to go home. After J settled to sleep, Lucas looks at me and says, "So, we're not staying in Brazil, right?"
To which my heard did a flop, my mind went in a million directions, uncountable thoughts went through my head, and I answered: "No. Don't say that. You don't get to open this up again unless you're sure. I can't go through that again. You be sure. You think about your parents, you be sure, and then you talk to me again".
And then I did my best to pretend that I had forgotten that he had asked.
(Chapter 4 coming soon)